S2.E16: Self-Love
As a Valentine's Tribute, in this episode Kayla talks about finding the space to focus on yourself, in between the time and energy you give to your spouse, your kids, your job, your home, your church, etc.
I am just the girl next door who believes that the purpose of life is to enjoy, create, and have fun. I believe that as humans, we can have anything we want and things are always working out for us. Experience has taught me that the path to getting everything you want begins with ease. If you believe in miracles and happily ever after, or even if you just want to, then this is the podcast for you.
Hi there. I'm your host, Kay Lorraine, and welcome back to Attract It With Ease. Today I'd like to start out with my gratitude, and the first thing that I'm grateful for today is my health. And I say that because I've been struggling this week, man, I've been all up and down and it seems like there's all kinds of stuff going around my work, several people calling out. I had a migraine one day, and then as soon as I recovered from that, I came down with a nasty head cold.
But today, I am actually starting to feel a little bit better, and I am so grateful for that. I'm grateful that our bodies have the ability to heal themselves, and I'm grateful even for the bad days because they make you appreciate the good days. At least they do for me. And it's so nice to feel like I can swallow without my throat hurting today, and that I can breathe and smell the fresh air, and it just feels good to be alive, and I'm grateful for that. The second thing that I'm grateful for today is access to all of my things.
And I know that sounds silly, but if you've been following me for a little while, you know that I just recently moved into a home from a tiny house. I'm in a normal sized home. I'm in a home that's over 2000 square feet, moving from 160. So I had some items that were in storage, specifically like my home decor items, my crystals, oh my goodness, my crystals. I have so many beautiful crystals, and for three years they sat in storage. And I am so, so grateful to have this space, to be able to put my items back on display, to be able to move my art studio into the home, to be able to have a separate room to record my podcast.
When I was in the tiny house, I couldn't record when my husband was home. I couldn't record when there was noise going on outside if people were mowing the lawn and so forth. And it is so nice to have enough space for all of my things, and I'm grateful for that. And the third thing that I'm grateful for today is as I'm being able to rejo all of the things that I own, I'm also recognizing that I have far more than I need. And it's crazy because when we moved to a tiny house, we downsized and we got rid of over 80% of the possessions that we owned.
But you know, we're consumers. People tend to buy things. And even though I lived tiny, I continued to consume. And it was amazing when we moved into the house how much stuff we actually had acquired on top of all of the things that we had kept. And I'm realizing I have so much stuff and I have more than I need, and it feels so good to be in that space, in life to feel like I have more clothes than is necessary.
I have more possessions than I need. I have so much that I can give back, and it's so good to feel like there is nothing that I am lacking for right now. And I have to tell you that's such an amazing feeling. And so that's my gratitude today. What I wanna talk about this week is self-love. And I feel like that's appropriate right now because we're still in February. Valentine's Day obviously is a big topic for the month of February.
And so when you're thinking about love, you're constantly thinking about a companion or a secret admirer or someone you feel really strongly about. You feel connected to a soulmate, a life companion. But we often don't think about loving ourselves. And I've talked about that in a few different episodes in a few different ways. But today I really want to get into the topic of what does it mean to love yourself? And I'm going to ask you some questions for personal reflection to kind of see how much time and energy you are giving to yourself versus the time and energy that you're giving to those around you.
And that kind of leads me into the conversation because I have recognized that most of us tend to put other people first, particularly if you have any type of a family, if you have a spouse, or if you have children, if you have a really good job, especially if you hold a high position. But even people who just have are committed to their job, have a job that they feel really strongly about and want to work hard for. We have that strong work ethic and we tend to put our job first.
We tend to put our spouse first. We tend to put our kids first. Sometimes we tend to put our home first, even if we stay at home, we tend to make home more of a priority than us cleaning the house, doing the laundry, doing the dishes. All of those things seem to be a priority. And then of course, if you're a religious person, you probably put your church first, whether that's your feeling of putting God first or serving or callings in the church or serving your community. There's so many opportunities for us to take care of others and other things that we tend to put ourselves on the back burner.
And I've said this in prior podcast episodes, but I firmly believe it. And that's that we grew up in a society that teaches us, teaches us that it is selfish to focus on ourselves and selfish to put ourselves before other people. And it teaches us that the word selfish is a negative thing. It has a negative connotation. It says you should not be selfish. People say that to you, oh, you're so selfish.
And I wanna say, what do you mean? Why is that a bad thing? Why is it bad for me to put myself first? And quite frankly, you are the only person that you are going to spend your entire life with. The only person you're going to spend your entire life with is you. You. So what is wrong with trying to take care of you? Why is it a bad thing to be selfish? Why is it considered negative to put yourself before others? And I'm not saying always, I'm not saying we always have to do that, we always should do that.
But if we do it on occasion or we do it on a regular basis, why is that a bad thing? In fact, I would like to challenge you and say that's what we should be doing. We should be putting ourselves first, especially when it comes to the topic of mental health, because that's what tends to happen when we put other people first, is we sacrifice our mental health. Now, a couple episodes ago, I talked about my theme word for the year, and I talked about the 85% rule where you actually accomplish more when you don't give a hundred percent or when you're not striving to always give 110% when you hold back a little and you only give 85%, you have a little bit left in the tank to be able to maintain longer, to be able to perform better, to be able to have more mental clarity, right?
So I've talked about that, but that's the same thing when it comes to self-love. If you are giving everybody else a hundred percent, there's nothing left for you. There's nothing left in the tank. So what does that mean for you? It means you're gonna get sick. It means your mental health is going to suffer. It means at some point you're going to break down and not be able to do all of the things that you're doing for all of the people that you're doing them for. You are never going to be able to sustain at a hundred percent at that level.
But it's also not fair to yourself to not leave some reserve for you. And if you follow the 85% rule, if you're only giving 85% to all of the things you feel you need to be giving your work, you're, I don't know, PTA program, your club, your sporting group, your children, your spouse, your home, your church, all of these things. If you're only giving 85%, that means you do have a little bit left over. That means you do have some space for some personal care and some self-love.
And 15%, I'll have to say, isn't very selfish. In fact, if you were to ask me, I'd say it probably should be re reversed. But that's also probably not realistic to think that we're gonna give 85% to ourself and almost nothing to everyone else. So why not just allow yourself that 15%? Why not have that be your starting point or your goal that you're trying to get to? Because if you're giving yourself 15% and everybody 85, you're still probably not going to be as happy and as healthy as you could be, but at least you're taking some time out for you.
And that's what I wanna talk to you. That's what I want to speak to you about today. So the first question that I'm gonna ask you is, when was the last time that you expressed gratitude for you? Let me say that again. When was the last time that you expressed gratitude for you? What does that even mean? When you are praying or when you are meditating or when you are thanking God or source or the universe or whatever it is that you believe in and you're focused on your gratitude, how often are you focused on being grateful for you?
When was the last time that you expressed gratitude for your body and all of the things that your body can do? Are you able to walk? Are you able to run? Are you able to jump? Are you able to bend down and reach things when you drop them on the floor? Do you have all of your fingers and toes and two arms and two legs? And if you don't, are you able to use the ones that you have? When was the last time that you thought about you and your body and its capabilities?
Its ability to heal itself. Its ability to process food. No matter what you put in it, good or bad, your body's able to process that food. How about your ability to sleep at night? What about the hair on your body? Sometimes we're wishing we had less hair. We're trying to get rid of the hair on our body. But what about the people who have no hair on their body? I'll tell you what, if you're a female and you're struggling with hair loss on the top of your head, probably men too. I'm not trying to exclude the men.
I'm sure they feel the same way. But if you're struggling with hair loss on the top of your head, I guarantee that you were grateful that you had hair or you're grateful for the hair that you do have because it's something we don't think about. It's something we take for granted until we start to lose it or until we don't have it. These are the questions I want you to ask. When was the last time that you expressed gratitude for you? And I've said a few times on different podcast episodes that I am so grateful for my strong mind.
When was the last time you thought about your mind and your personality and your gifts and the things that you bring to the world and the things that you make you unique? When was the last time that you sat and really gave thanks for you, for your life, for your contributions to this world, for your gifts, for the abilities you have for you, for you? When was the last time you expressed gratitude for your heart?
Not just for the physical heart, but your compassion, your love, your ability to give, your ability to feel emotions, your ability to connect with other people? When was the last time you expressed gratitude for that? All right, since we're on the topic and we're talking about our bodies and us personally, we each have a tendency. When we look in a mirror, the very first thought that goes into our head is something negative.
Guarantee it. Guarantee it. I challenge you. The next time you look in the mirror, think about the first thing that comes to your head. And I can promise you that unless you're focused on saying something positive, it's going to be something negative. We're looking for flaws. When we look in the mirror, we're looking for things out of place. We're fixing our hair, we're checking to see if there's anything in our teeth. We're looking sideways to see like, oh, do I look skinny? Do I look fat? Do I look bloated? Is my shirt untucked? Am I wrinkled? Am I whatever?
We're always looking for the flaws never unless we're focused on it. Do we look in the mirror and instantly think positive things? So if you know me at all, you know I'm a huge Jay Shetty fan, and Jay Shetty is an author and a coach and a number of other wonderful things. But Jay Shetty recently recommended actually writing a positive note to yourself every time you look in the mirror.
And I saw that on his Instagram. Now I'm still taking my break from social media. So that wasn't recently, but I saw it on his Instagram. And when he was talking about it, he showed actually using a dry erase marker, I believe to draw on your mirror like your bathroom mirror. When you look in the mirror before you think anything, write something to yourself, write yourself a positive note and say, you are beautiful. You are kind, you are whatever. Whatever it is that you want to say to yourself.
It doesn't even have to be about the way that you look. And it can be about the type of person you are. It can be about the gifts that you have and the things that you give to the world. But how different would you feel if every time you looked in the mirror you said something positive to yourself and you didn't just say it, you wrote it on the mirror. And imagine if you kept those messages on the mirror. Now eventually you'd feel the whole mi mirror and you'd have to erase some of them and start over, right? But how cool would it be to look in the mirror and see all of these positive thoughts and messages to yourself?
You are amazing. You are a good friend, you are a wonderful mother. You are a great companion. You look good today. The world needs more of you. You light up the rooms you walk into. What if you looked in the mirror and those were the things stirring back at you instead of going, Ugh, do I have something in my teeth?
Right? When was the last time you did that? And how would that be? How would that feel to take on that challenge to have that be the norm? You look in the mirror and you instantly think something positive and say something positive to yourself. Okay, here's a real challenge. When was the last time you took a mental health day? That was an intentional pause, cuz I really want you to think about that one.
When was the last time that you took a mental health day? What I mean by that is when we call out at work, we typically don't call out unless we're sick, right? We call them sick days for a reason. A lot of employers don't even really have sick days anymore. They only have what's called pto, personal time off. So it could be because you're sick, it could be because that's your vacation time. But we have a tendency to only take time away from work when we're planning a trip or a vacation or we're actually sick, right?
And if we have sick time, we usually reserve that for if we're throwing up or we can't get outta bed or we didn't sleep while the night before, or we are mentally physically sick, right? Well, when was the last time you took a mental health day? I guarantee that there have been days that you have experienced that you really did not want to go into work. You really felt like you could not face people or you could not face the day and you forced yourself to go anyway.
Why didn't you take a mental health day? Have you ever taken a mental health day? Mental health is such a topic that's kind of taboo. It's something we talk about in conversation, but we don't talk about on a personal level. We don't want people to know if we're going to therapy. We don't want someone to know. If we've been in a mental institution like I have, I've shared that experience on a pariah episode that was against my will, but it happened.
And that's something that outside of the podcast, I don't walk around and tell people that I don't share that with people is something that we would generally choose to hide. But the truth of the matter is that in today's world, we all have days we struggle, we all have times that we struggle with our mental health. And some of us more than others, some of us physically have things that we have to be medicated for. And I say have to lightly. We don't have to. We maybe choose to, but whether that's anxiety, whether that's depression, whether we're bipolar, whether it's something else, there is so much that the world is going through and experiencing today that we kind of shy away from.
We hide from, we don't talk about whether or not you deal with any of those things I listed or something else. I guarantee that you would benefit from a mental health day. So when was the last time you took a mental health day? When was the last time you called in sick and didn't lie about why you were calling out because you wanted to take the day, but just said, I can't come in today. I need the day for my mental health.
I'll be honest, I don't do that. I've done that one time. One time ever. And it was because I finally realized I need it. I need this day for my mental health. And that's what I told my boss. I really need to stay for my mental health, but I don't regularly do it. And there's definitely times I feel that I should do it. And I'm not saying use up all of your sick times so that when you're really sick you don't have it. I'm not at all implying that I'm just challenging your thinking and challenging the level of self-love. You show yourself how much do you spend taking care of you?
How much time, how much energy do you put into you? We are the most critical about ourselves and yet we spend the most time and energy that we have on everyone but ourselves. How does that even make sense? Okay, here's another question. When was the last day that you planned a whole day of pampering or reading or just enjoying one of your very favorite activities, one of your hobbies or interests?
Something that you are into that maybe the other people that are close to you don't really care so much about? When was the last time that you planned an entire day that was all about you? When was the last day that you spent an entire day by yourself, by choice. And you spend it doing all of the things that you love? Taking yourself out to breakfast or taking yourself to lunch or going to see a movie that you wanna see that nobody else cares about. Or having a bubble bath with some chocolate or sitting in bed for hours and reading a good book or taking a class to learn something new that you're interested in or spending some time being creative, creating music or creating art or whatever it is that your interests are in.
When was the last day that you planned a whole day for you? Just you. Okay, on the flip side, when was the last time you planned a whole day for somebody else? Because I guarantee it was the last holiday or the last birthday or the last wedding or the last baby shower or who knows what. There's all kinds of times that we spend all kinds of time and energy and money into planning for others.
And we do it multiple times throughout the year and yet we don't make the time to do it for ourselves. We probably don't even make the time once a year. We probably don't even cater to ourselves on our own birthday. We hope other people might cater to us, but we don't do it for ourselves. Why is that? Why do we not put ourselves first? I challenge you to think about that and I challenge you to F to recognize how much of your time and energy you're giving to others versus the time and energy you're giving to you.
Okay? Well I'm talking about spending time alone, but when was the last time that you planned a date night with your significant other? That wasn't a date that came up for a special occasion like Valentine's Day or their birthday or your anniversary. And it also wasn't around a holiday or a birthday or something else, meaning it wasn't St. Patrick's Day. So you went to the Irish Pub. When was the last time you planned an actual date night with your significant other?
And I'm saying planned, it wasn't spontaneous, it wasn't. Oh, the kids are gone tonight, let's have dinner. It was planned. You know, we planned our vacations if we actually take them. And people with young children sometimes plan vacations with just their spouse, but oftentimes they don't. They feel obligated to plan vacations with the children. They feel bad leaving the children. And whether or not that's your situation, that's okay, but when was the last time that you planned a date?
Something fun, an activity, something more than just dinner. Something more than just going out to eat. When was the last time that you planned that for you and your significant other? And when was the last time that you did that and the thing that you planned is what you wanted to do? Not what they wanted to do. Again, we're talking about self-love here. And I'm not saying we shouldn't put our significant others first. What I'm saying is how much time are you investing in you?
All right, another question. When was the last time that you quieted all of the noise? Like all of it? When was the last time that you just sat with yourself? No music, no phone, no television, no kids, no job, no spouse, no nothing. It's just you alone with your thoughts.
And I'm not talking about just your shower this morning. Maybe you sat in the shower for 10 minutes alone by yourself. So you could have some you time. And I definitely encourage that. That is definitely part of self care. But when was the last time that you just sat with you? You dealt with your emotions, you had time to think through things that might be weighing on your mind or weighing on your heart.
When was the last time that you really gave yourself a moment to meditate or gave yourself some time to focus on gratitude or just gave yourself some time to clear your head? You know, I've mentioned that on some podcast episodes before that that's a big difference between myself and my husband, is that my husband loves to have distraction. He constantly has either music playing or the television playing or sometimes he's looking at multiple screens at a time.
He might be looking at his phone while he's watching TV or whatever the case may be. That's just his mo. And it is so completely opposite of mine because when my husband is not home, for example, he just went out of town for 10 days for a trade show out of state. And while he was gone, I did not turn the television on one time. And that's not to say that I don't enjoy watching television and that I don't watch television because I do. I watch television almost every single night with my husband.
But the funny thing is when he's not home, the television does not get turned on. And it's because I have learned that there is so much peace and so much communication that I receive through messages, through my thoughts, through source. And I talked about that on the last podcast episode or, or maybe the one before. But receiving signs from source, receiving messages when you shut things off and you quiet the noise you're open to receiving.
And for me, I love to be in that space. I love to think, I love to let my mind try and conjure up ideas and situations and scenarios and what ifs. I love that. And the universe is able to communicate to me on a regular basis because I make time and space for it. When was the last time that you made some space for that?
Okay, here's a really hard one. When was the last time that you forgave yourself for not being enough? I'm gonna say it again. When was the last time that you forgave yourself for not being enough? And maybe you don't know what I'm referring to and and maybe you have no forgiveness to give. Maybe you've already let go of all of the things that you guilt yourself for. But so many of us guilt ourselves for not being good enough parents, for not being as engaged, for not, I don't know, participating in that club or that event, or not attending somebody's party.
Sometimes we just look in the mirror and we speak poorly to ourselves cuz we're disgusted with what we see. We can't believe we allowed ourselves to put on so much weight, or we stopped putting the time and energy or money and care into the way that we look. You know, it's funny, just this week I was telling my husband, I really probably should start getting my nails done again because as I'm aging, my nails are becoming more brittle and they're breaking more frequently. And I told him, they just look ratchet.
And he said to me, you should start, you should start getting them done. And I said, I know, but it's just so much money. And he turned and he looked at me with a very serious face and he said, you need to start taking care of you. And he said, and what's really stupid is you would say that same thing to me, but you won't take your own advice. And when he said it to me, I just kind of shut down. I mean I, I didn't have anything to say in rebuttal because I thought to myself, he's right.
You know, I can't justify $60 on a set of nails, fingernails, not nails. I wouldn't justify $60 on a box of meals. But you know, I have a hard time justifying $60. And it's not that I can't afford it, I can't afford it, but to me it seems pointless and it seems wasteful. But if he wanted something, I would not hesitate for a second to spend $60 on him. And he said, if it's something that will make you feel better, it'll make you look better.
Don't even hesitate. Do it. Just do it. And he goes, and you would say the same thing to me. And it's true. And so I'm saying the same thing to you. You know, when was the last time you put yourself first? And when was the last time that you forgave yourself for not being better? For not being more, for not being all of the things that you expect yourself to be? Because we are our own worst enemies. We hold ourselves to a higher standard than anybody.
We would never expect as much from someone else as we expect from ourselves. But we expect ourselves to be able to give a hundred percent to our jobs and to be able to keep a clean house and to take care of our children and to attend every single event and to be completely focused and updated in their lives, whether they're at home or whether they're grown. And to be able to be this amazing companion to our spouse and so attentive and have the perfect body and all of the perfect skills and be able to do all of the things we expect, all of those things from ourselves.
We expect that. But we don't expect that from other people. We don't hold anyone to that standard. And if someone was saying to us, oh my gosh, I'm feeling so overwhelmed. You know, the first thing you would say to them is you need to take care of yourself. You need to stop putting everybody first. You need to put yourself in a position where you're not burned out. You need to learn to say no. We would tell our friends that we would tell our loved ones that we would tell our significant other that.
But we don't take our own advice. We need to put ourselves first. We need to show some self love. You deserve it. You 100% deserve it. And if you don't feel like you deserve it, it is because you haven't been doing it enough and you've broken yourself down. You've torn yourself down to the point that you believe that you are unworthy and you are not deserving. But I'm telling you right now, that's not true.
That's not correct. You deserve it. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be loved by you. So that leads me into this week's action item. My challenge for you this week is to plan an entire day to yourself. And I'm not saying you have to complete that this week because it does take some planning. And when I say an entire day, I'm talking at least four hours.
Okay? It doesn't have to be from waking up to falling asleep because that's probably next to impossible. But whether it's taking one of your days off and just telling your spouse, Hey, I'm gonna go do this thing. Or whether it is while your spouse is at work, you get a sitter for the kids so that you can go do your thing. Or maybe you don't have a spouse, or maybe you don't have kids and you just have complete time to yourself. But instead of inviting a friend along, you plan a day to yourself.
And this day could be that you go to a museum, you could go to the library, you could go to the movies. You could take yourself out to lunch. You could go for a bike ride, you could go for a nature walk, you could go for a drive. You could go learn a new skill or take a class or get a massage or take a bubble bath. Or you could do all of the above. But plan something for you. Plan to work on your mental health plan, to show yourself how much you love you, how much you appreciate this life, how much you know you bring value to the world, to the people that you know, to the people that you love.
Show yourself some love. You deserve it. That's my message for you this week. I guarantee when you start to focus on yourself and you start to say positive things and you start to do positive things, not only will you feel better, not only will you be happier, but you will attract more. Good. Good attracts good. And the better it gets, the better it gets. Have a great week and I'll talk with you soon. Bye-bye. 