S1.E17: The Work
This episode is all about Byron Katie's 4 questions that she refers to as "The Work." These 4 questions can take any stressful thought and help you figure out what's really bothering you and how you can solve it. We introduce listeners to The Work and role-play a few scenarios, listen in for more info!
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We're two sisters who believe that the purpose of life is to enjoy, create and have fun. We believe that as humans, we can have anything we want and things are always working out for us. Experience has taught us that the path to getting everything we want begins with ease. If you believe in miracles and happily ever after, or even if you just want to, then this is the podcast for you.
Hi there. I'm your host, Kayla Rain.I'm your co-host Adria Sha. And welcome back to attract it with ease. Hi Adria.
Speaker 1 (45s): Hi. So good to see you.
Speaker 0 (47s): Yeah. So good to see you. What are you grateful for today?
Speaker 1 (54s): I am grateful for ice cubes, whoever I was going to say, whoever invented those was brilliant, but it probably wasn't an actual person that invented them.
Speaker 0 (1m 3s): Maybe it was God. You think he invented the ice cube tray?
Speaker 1 (1m 9s): Ooh, I don't know. You mean he may have inspired it. I'll say that. Okay. I love it. I love some drinks or just better ice cold. I don't know if everybody agrees with me, but while I know everyone doesn't, but it's my opinion. And it's the right one.
Speaker 0 (1m 26s): I think it depends on the drink. And I also know that that's a very American thing. I know that outside of the us most, and maybe I'm misinformed listeners, you'll have to correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that most other countries, they don't prefer cold ice water. Like they prefer room, temperature, water.
Speaker 1 (1m 47s): I have a friend that always wanted his drinks room temperature. When we would go out to eat and especially water. I, it just struck me as so odd. Well, in my, in my opinion, the colder, the better for, for drinks are meant to be cold. Obviously, you know, like not hot chocolate and stuff. Hot tea, hot chocolate. Those are good. Hot, but water. Yes. Ice cold soda. When I drink it ice cold. Okay. Noted.
Second one is sat in pillowcases. Do you have one?
Speaker 0 (2m 22s): I do not. And the older that I get and I see, you know, the wrinkles on my face, I think, Ooh, maybe I should buy into this hype. Are you saying shit?
Speaker 1 (2m 35s): But I'm saying you look a little bit wrinkly today. Just kidding. Just kidding. I hope you know, I'm kidding. No, they're good for your skin. They're good for your hair, but they're also just really luxurious feeling. I feel a little bit like a princess. When I lay on one who doesn't want to feel like a princess,
Speaker 0 (2m 54s): Do you have satin sheets to go with the pillow case?
Speaker 1 (2m 56s): No, I don't. And of course silk is better, but I can't afford. I mean, let's say that you can
Speaker 0 (3m 2s): Afford it. You choose to spend your money
Speaker 1 (3m 5s): Is a hundred percent true. That does the job. And then I have money to spend on other things when I stick with satin. So no, I don't have sat and sheets. And I actually am currently using flannel sheets, which are amazing because my bedroom is a little bit chilly. So I love the flannel sheets, but my pillowcases are sad.
Speaker 0 (3m 25s): Okay. Promise me. You won't go out in an outfit that is flannel and satin.
Speaker 1 (3m 33s): No promises. Are you saying you're not going to validate me if I do that and then send you a photo.
Speaker 0 (3m 40s): Have you sent me the photo? I will look for something nice to say. And it will probably be that I love how colorful your wardrobe is.
Speaker 1 (3m 48s): Thank you. Thank you for I'm always looking for the positive. I will tell you that when I go somewhere, I usually take a sat in a pillowcase with me and slip it on top of whatever pillow I'm using. I used to travel with my own pillow because I had this pillow. I just loved, I don't, I don't travel with my own pillow most of the time anymore, but I do usually pack a pillowcase.
Speaker 0 (4m 11s): Okay. Well all the things we didn't know.
Speaker 1 (4m 14s): No, yes. You know me so well now number three, that I'm grateful for. Our sister Marcy introduced me to these, but there are cookie dough, protein bars. They are a protein bar with little teeny drops of cookie dough on top. They're amazing. They make a protein bar, something that I now look forward to.
Speaker 0 (4m 35s): Okay. You can't share these types of secrets without telling us the brand,
Speaker 1 (4m 40s): Okay. These are from built bar, which makes pretty decent protein bars to begin with. You can eat them chilled, or you can warn them for five seconds in the microwave. And they taste kind of like a brownie. These are other flavors I'm talking about. So they're decent tasting protein bars, but the cookie dough ones, I actually look forward to them. Now.
Speaker 0 (5m 0s): That's incredible. I'm going to have to try them. Thank you for sharing that. I love it. All right. So my first one is, and I've probably said this on every episode because I really appreciate this. And it's the ability to shower at Dan's work. Dan is my fiance. And if you haven't heard already listeners, I live in a tiny house. It's a tiny house. That's built on the back of a military truck and we do have a shower, but we are not hooked up to a sewage system.
And we have a 30 gallon. I think it's there. I think it's a 30 gallon Blackwater tank and a 30 gallon gray water tank. So when you shower, it's gray water, but we have to empty all of the water that we use. And we have an instant, hot water heater and it works really great for the kitchen sink. But the shower is just far enough away that it's, it's not always hot.
So long story short, it's not convenient to shower in our truck, in our house. And when the weather was nice, we had an outdoor shower. We do have an outdoor shower that we're able to use, but it's winter and it's been winterized. So our only showering option is to shower at Dan's work. And I am so grateful that we have that option because we used to go shower at the gym. The showers are closed at the gym because of COVID and showering has been a whole situation. And I just, if I haven't said it on every episode, I should, because it's incredible just to be able to shower.
I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1 (6m 49s): It's huge. Yeah. And there's, I don't think there's very many jobs that a person could actually shower at. So that's a real blessing.
Speaker 0 (6m 55s): It is a real blessing. It's incredible. And I'm so grateful for that one. Next one is my toothbrush. I am on a toothbrush subscription program and I know that sounds really weird, but I love my toothbrush. And every three months I get a new toothbrush head shipped to me. It's only $5, but it's so nice that I never have to think about buying into the brush. I haven't, it's an electric toothbrush. It just switches out the head every three months, it's on an auto ship.
It comes to my house. It's amazing. I love it. I love my toothbrush and I love the refill program. The last one is in that same vein and that's Amazon prime. I freaking love my Amazon prime membership. It used to just be shipping. Now. It's like you get television, you get a free trial for audible. You get all kinds of cool stuff with Amazon prime, but it is specifically the shipping, but I love love about Amazon prime and the big reason you too.
The big reason that's on my list is just this week. I've ordered two different books from Amazon prime and I've got them in like one came the very next day. And then the other one was two days later and I'm loving reading. I'm loving these books. I love how easy it is to get things. And I love how convenient it is right now through the pandemic that I can just order stuff and have it show up at my house. How cool is that?
Speaker 1 (8m 34s): I was going to say for listeners that live outside the United States, they might not be familiar with what Amazon prime shipping entails. So you should describe just how incredible it is.
Speaker 0 (8m 43s): I bet they know. I feel like they know I'm going to tell them anyway, but I feel like it's that big of a thing that even in other countries, they know what it is, but Amazon, if you're not familiar with Amazon is a website where you can buy anything and everything. Literally
Speaker 2 (9m 1s): Everything, printer, cartridges, jewelry, food, clothes, and supplies, some sheets. Yes, all of it. But
Speaker 0 (9m 14s): Order from Amazon, you typically pay shipping. Occasionally a seller will provide free shipping, but with Amazon prime, there are a large portion of the items that are for sale that are included in Amazon prime. And if you're a prime member, you get free two day shipping. And most of the time it's today. I think occasionally now with COVID somethings take a little bit longer, but it's typically free two day shipping.
I get stuff delivered on Sundays, which even the mail doesn't come on Sundays and less. It's Amazon prime. Yeah. It's incredible. It is so great. So that's my plug. You know, this podcast is just going to turn into plugging other people's products because we have a tendency to do,
Speaker 2 (10m 3s): But consumers, the secret's out, the secret is out.
Speaker 0 (10m 9s): So that's what I'm grateful for. But today, Adrian, I want to talk about another author that I am just absolutely in love with. I say another, because I've mentioned some on here on prior episodes, but I'm not sure if I've mentioned this one before and it's Byron Katie, are you familiar with Byron Katie?
Speaker 2 (10m 33s): I know who she is. That's about the miners. Yes.
Speaker 0 (10m 39s): Okay. We'll use your Amazon prime membership and buy one of her books
Speaker 2 (10m 42s): And get it in two days.
Speaker 0 (10m 44s): So I was introduced to Byron Katie by a friends. I don't know, probably like seven ish, maybe even longer years ago. And I was in a relationship that was not a great relationship. And this friend recommended a book called I need your love. Is that true? It's an incredible book. I think it's a book that anyone could benefit from. Even if you're in a great relationship, it's not necessarily specifically romantic relationships.
It's kind of what we were talking about on our last episode, which was seeking validation and needing something from another person versus getting it from within ourselves. In any case for those of you that are not familiar with Byron Katie, Byron, Katie has developed a four question system that has become incredibly famous and it's referred to as the work. And I think in most, if not all of firing Katie's work or when I say work, I mean her books and their writings, I think she refers to the work in pretty much all of them.
But the work is literally four questions that you can ask yourself to basically turn around any type of negative thought or any type of negative experience that you're having. And I want to talk about this today because we had an episode that was all about turning things around. We talked about taking our beliefs and flipping them to the opposite and trying to change the story.
Well, the work uses that same philosophy of turning things around, but it's not necessarily just stuck on our beliefs or our beliefs about ourselves. It's about any negative thought that we have. So let's kind of talk about some of these negative thoughts because it could be literally anything. It could be you're in a bad relationship. Like I was at the time I was introduced to Byron Katie. And you have these feelings that the other person maybe doesn't care about you, or is selfish or only thinks about themselves or is paying attention to someone else more than they're paying attention to you.
These are just some of things I've thought in my past. So that could be an example. Those would be negative thoughts. They could be negative thoughts that you have about yourself, such as you could be thinking, Oh, I'm never able to lose weight. And I've said this on the podcast before, but I've had so many times in my life where I've said to myself, my hair won't grow. My hair just won't grow. Never grows. That's a negative thought because I'm complaining.
There are so many times that we find ourselves feeling hurt. Having our feelings hurt, just any of these beliefs that we have about ourselves. But also when people do things to us or we interpret that they do things to us, it could be that you got passed up for promotion at work and someone else got it. And it's the thoughts that you have in that situation. You know, I was more deserving or my boss doesn't care about me or they didn't want to promote me because I was a woman or I've been here longer.
I should've got the promotion. You know, these are all these, these bad feeling, negative thoughts. And so the whole work is designed to take any of those thoughts or any time this, the situations arise and be able to work through them and turn it around. And here's what I mean by that. I'm going to go through the four questions and then Adrian, I'm going to role play with you a little bit about how this works, because I feel like this is so powerful and it's something that we can use in almost any negative scenario in life.
So here's the four questions question. Number one is when you have the stressful thought, you're supposed to write it down. And if you're having lots of them, like I was in my relationship, I had all of these feelings like, Oh, he doesn't care about me. Oh, he's dishonest. Oh, he, he wants to hurt me. He, whatever, you know, let's say that there's all these, you know, 10 different things. I'm feeling.
The idea is you write them all down, but then you take each one of these thoughts, one at a time and you ask these questions. So let's say that the thought is he doesn't care about me. So question number one is, is that true? So Adrian, I know you weren't in my situation and I know you're single right now. So we're, role-playing okay. But you've been in relationships before. So imagine you're in a relationship, someone, a longterm relationship.
You've been with this person for awhile and you have the thought this, this person doesn't care about me when you ask yourself, is that true? Tell me, do you think that, do you think that's true? Do you think the person does not care about you?
Speaker 1 (16m 29s): I think my response in the moment would be maybe it's true or I don't know if it's true. I mean, ultimately I don't, I don't think it's true because if we've been in a relationship for a long time, then he does care about me on some level or we wouldn't still be in a relationship.
Speaker 0 (16m 44s): Right. And, and I think you hit it spot on because I think most of the time when you answer question one more often than not, your response is going to be, I'm not sure unless you really are sure that you're just making that up. Like, it's a story you're telling yourself sometimes you'll know like, no, that's ridiculous. That's not true. I just, you know, it feels like that, but more often than not, if you're, if you're really, really feeling it, when you ask yourself, is that true?
You just can't be sure because you're not the other person. You're not, you don't know what they're feeling. You don't know what they're experiencing. So more often than not, when you ask the question, is that true? The response is going to be, I don't know. Or you may feel strongly that it's yes. Maybe you do say yes and occasionally you will say yes. So that leads us into number two. Question number two is, can you be absolutely sure that it's true.
So let's say that you say yes, the thought is he doesn't care about me. And then you ask yourself, well, is that true? Yes. He does not care about me because if he'd cared about me, he would not do this. He would not act like this. He would, whatever. Right. You're convinced the answer's. Yes. So then the next question is, can you be absolutely sure. That is true. So now you're picking apart your response. So let me ask you, can you be absolutely sure that it's true? No, I don't know.
You can be absolutely sure about another person's feelings or intentions. So I'd have to say no to that under any circumstances. Okay. So that leads us into question number three. So question number three is how do you react or what happens when you believe that thought? So you're not sure if it's true or not, but when you think he doesn't care about me, what happens?
It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me want to hurt him. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me behave irrationally, maybe. Absolutely. All of those things. So now we move to question number four, who would you be without that thought? So you're, you're totally buying into, he doesn't care about me. If he did, he wouldn't treat me like this.
Now you're recognizing, okay, well maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe he does care about me, but it makes me feel this way. Okay. Well, now I know that it does make me feel this way. And when I feel this way, I want to hurt him. And I want to be mean, and I want to shut down and I don't want to be with him. So what would be different? And I'm going to, re-ask the question. Who would you be without that thought? Without that thought I would be my true self.
I'd be aligned with my inner being. I'd be free to love him because I love him. I'd be immune from being hurt by the things that he's doing. Right. Okay. So now you have your answer and here's the last piece, which is turn that thought around. So the thought was he doesn't care about me. So how can you turn that around?
Speaker 3 (20m 24s): Wow.
Speaker 0 (20m 28s): To be honest, how, if I asked you to turn it around, how would you turn it around? Well, my first instinct is to say he doesn't care about me. He does care about me. Is that what you said? You broke up. Sorry. So that's my first instinct is to say that flipping that around would be to say that he does care about me. Absolutely. That is a turnaround. And that is a better feeling thought for sure. Right? He does care about me because we know from what you said, what would be different if you didn't believe that he didn't care about you, you would be more loving.
You would be more open. You would be aligned with your inner being. You said all of those things. So just flipping it around, saying he does care about me. That changes everything. That, that leases all of the negativity and the emotion. But another option on that turnaround would be to say, I don't care about him. So let's talk about that for just a minute, because you could say, well, that's not true.
And maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but when you turn it around that way, it changes everything in the sense that you're now putting all of the negativity on you instead of on him, instead of expecting him to love you or expecting him to care about you, which is really what we're looking for. But that ties into last week's conversation of seeking validation. Instead of saying, no, he does care about me, which is a good feeling.
It's doesn't feel true though, in this moment. So I like that. That's not what we're stopping at because if I just flip it around and say, he does care about me, well, it doesn't feel like that in the moment. Otherwise I wouldn't be in this place mentally. Exactly, exactly. And thank you for saying that because if you really were doing it and we're role playing right now, so it's all pretend, but when you're in the moment and you're worked up and you're like, he doesn't love me, he's lying to me. He's cheating on me. He's this he's whatever you're saying, you're not going to in five minutes, ask yourself a couple of questions and suddenly be like, no, he does love me.
He does care about me. So you're 100% hitting it on the nail, which is why we need to look at the other turnaround, which is, I don't care about him. And that may or may not be true. But when you shift that and you take it away from him, not caring about you, to you not caring about him, first of all, you can right away own that feeling. You can either say, yes, that's true. Or yes, it's not, you know, instantly whether or not that's a true statement.
Right. You know, and maybe by just having that thought for a second, it's an acknowledgement of, Oh my gosh, I don't,
Speaker 4 (23m 29s): Maybe
Speaker 0 (23m 30s): That's why like I'm hurt so much is that I don't care about him. And he does. And so I'm, I'm projecting that on him. You know, I'm, I'm making it his issue instead of my issue, but maybe that's not true. Maybe you really do care about him, but by putting it on you, you then have control over what to do about the situation. If you're putting it all on him, you have no control. If it's up to him to care about you, if it's up to him to love you, it's all in his control as to how that makes you feel.
But when you turn it around and you take ownership of what you're putting on him, now you have the ability to resolve the situation. Is this making any sense? Yes. That didn't sound sure
Speaker 1 (24m 27s): Sense. And it makes me feel better in this hypothetical situation, but it doesn't tie everything up in a neat bow. Like I, I feel like I still need to do some work to get to the point of not actually being hurt by his actions.
Speaker 0 (24m 43s): So that's why this is called the work. It, the whole four question process is doing the work within yourself. It's figuring out why that bugs you. Why does it rubbed me wrong? Why does that hurt my feelings? Why do I care so much? Why is that an issue? Because more often than not in life, people go about just being themselves. They do what they always do.
They behave as they always behave. And we go around in life trying to change people and getting upset at the things that people do. And here's an example, Dan bites, his nails. It drives me crazy. I don't buy my nails. I don't understand why he bites his nails. So I constantly am like getting on him. When I see him biting his nails. And the other night he says to me, Kayla, why do you care so much? And I really thought about it. And I thought, why do I care so much? It's not his issue. He has no issue with biting his nails.
I have an issue with him biting his nails. So why do I have an issue with that? Why do I care and assess something? He just started. He's done it. Since, before I met him, he's done it his whole life. That's who he is. That's what he does. Why do I care about it? Why does it bug me so much? That's the work? The work is now I can think about, I mean, this is a great play. Why do I get so upset about it? Why does it upset me? You know? And those are the statements because it makes his nails look bad.
Well, is that true? Well, in my opinion, it's true. What is it? Everyone else? I've always looked fine to me. But that's the thing is like, this is my issue. And that's what we need to get down to the root of is that the things that bother us are our issue. It's not the other person's issue. It's not the, the situation's issue. It's us. It's taking issue with it and it's figuring out why do I have an issue with it?
Number one is what is the story? I'm telling myself even true, because often it's not, it's just something we make up or something that we say, because we want to attach to that feeling. We want to be a victim. We want to feel like we want to feel validated. So we come up with these phrases and we own them. And then we put it on someone else. But then we, we lose all of the control on how to fix it. And at the end of the day, if they're not doing anything wrong, if they're just being themselves, then how is that ever going to fix?
If the issue is with you, until you recognize that the issue is with you, it's never going to resolve itself because Dan's not going to stop biting his nail. And if he does, then he's doing it for me. He's not doing it for him, but the likelihood is because he's doing it for me. He's not going to do it, or he's not going to stick with it. So the only way the situation is going to get better is by me deciding to not have issue with it anymore. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. So let's take it into a different scenario.
Let's move away from another person. And let's talk about negative thoughts that we have about ourself. Okay. Let's role play the idea. I can't lose weight. Okay. Okay. So let's say that you have, I don't know, a lot of extra weight and you have tried everything under the sun. You tried diet pills. You've tried Atkins. You've tried paleo.
You've tried CrossFit. You've tried the what's the lemonade diet. I don't know
Speaker 1 (28m 37s): The Apple cider vinegar. Yes.
Speaker 0 (28m 39s): The things. Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking of. The cayenne pepper, all the things you've tried, all the things and you have not been able to lose weight. So you have this thought I can't lose weight. Okay.
Speaker 1 (28m 55s): All right. So atria, I cannot lose weight, Kayla, no matter what I do, I can't lose weight.
Speaker 0 (29m 2s): Is that true?
Speaker 1 (29m 7s): Well, it's not true because sometimes I do lose some weight. It just always comes back.
Speaker 0 (29m 13s): There's been times in my life where I used to weigh myself every morning and I would fluctuate every single day. So in that sense, whether you're losing it or it's waterway or it's, whatever, you're not always the same weight. So is that true?
Speaker 1 (29m 28s): No, that is not true.
Speaker 0 (29m 30s): Okay. So we can probably skip number two, but number two is, can you be absolutely sure that it's true
Speaker 1 (29m 40s): And I couldn't be sure. I haven't tried every, I mean, I've tried every diet under the sun, but there are still diets. I have not tried. So in this situation I could not be absolutely sure yet
Speaker 0 (29m 50s): You have never been a contestant on the show survivor and had to go 39 days eating only a cup of beans.
Speaker 1 (29m 58s): Oh my gosh.
Speaker 0 (30m 1s): Because I think you would lose weight if you did that anyway. So let's move to question three. What happens or how do you react when you believe that thought, when you believe that you cannot lose weight,
Speaker 1 (30m 19s): How do you react? I'm depressed. I feel like throwing up my hands and eating everything in sight because what's the point of even trying to be healthy. I am frustrated. I'm angry at myself. I feel like a failure. Yeah. These are all hypothetical. Of course. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (30m 41s): Yes, yes. We have no experience with this. I've never struggled with my parents.
Speaker 1 (30m 48s): No, this is a very familiar feeling to me actually.
Speaker 0 (30m 52s): Okay. So we know, we know what happens when we have that thought and it's just, like you said, throw your hands in the air. I give up. Why even bother? Why even try nothing works. Nothing sticks. Okay. So question number four. Who would you be without that thought? If you did not believe that you could not lose weight, who would you be?
Speaker 1 (31m 16s): Every day? I would wake up and be my healthiest self diet. The idea of freedom from thinking about food or obsessing about food or obsessing about exercise or beating myself up because I don't see a certain number on the scale or whatever it, I mean, I would, in this hypothetical situation, I would be free. I would be healthy. I would be strong and vibrant and lean. Amazing.
Speaker 0 (31m 46s): I think you like went way further with that than I would, because I think I love that you went there, but I would say for me, if I was feeling like I couldn't lose weight and then I asked myself, well, who would I be without that thought the answer would be, I would keep looking for solutions. I would, I would try. I would try it again. I would keep trying. And there was nothing wrong with what you said, what you said was all great things, but it's kind of that what we were talking about in the last scenario where it's like, well, this is great in a role play, but in a real life situation, I don't know that I would really believe all of that or say all of that.
I don't know that I really would wake up every day being my healthiest self, just because I thought I could lose weight. I don't think I would. But I do think if I thought I had the ability to lose weight and I hadn't been successful, I do think I would try. I do think, I would say, okay, I'm not giving up. There's gotta be something I'm going to find that thing. And I would be on a mission to keep going versus just throwing my hands up in the air. And so again, your answer was, we're not wrong. They were great answers.
But for me, I don't know that I would be as like committed. I would just be like, okay, well
Speaker 1 (33m 2s): Keep trying you grab
Speaker 0 (33m 4s): This. Okay. So now we know we know who we would be without that thought. So let's turn it around. So what's the turnaround from, I can't lose weight.
Speaker 1 (33m 19s): It's either I'm losing weight or I'm, I'm at an ideal weight. I'm already at my ideal weight.
Speaker 0 (33m 27s): It's anything you want it to be truly because at this time, you're, you don't have to take ownership of it because it's already your own feelings and it is whatever thought is the most empowering. So it could be, I can lose weight, you know, maybe that's, that's all you need. Maybe it's, I'm losing weight. And I love that because it's puts, it, puts it out into the universe as if it's already happening. It could be I'm at my ideal weight, but to a certain degree, that could be just reaffirming that you want to stay where you are.
But I do also like the idea of B finding joy in the now too, you know? So it's whatever, whatever turn around feels best, but it's taking ownership of no, it's not the situation that you say it is. You have the control to change it. And the way to change it is by changing your thought and your feeling about it. Instead of living in the story of, I can't lose weight, it's breaking it down and saying, well, is that right?
Speaker 1 (34m 34s): True. Yeah.
Speaker 0 (34m 37s): But there's so many of these things, it could be, you know, feeling stuck in your current career path, or it could be feeling like you're never going to get married or I can't have kids.
Speaker 1 (34m 52s): Or
Speaker 0 (34m 54s): Like I said, me saying, I can't grow my hair or I'm not smart or I'm too old. It's, it's all of the stories. But it's also everything that someone else does to you. Every time you feel slided, every time you have your feelings or it could be that you have friends and they made plans without you and you feel left out and you feel like, Oh, they didn't want me there. Or they don't like me as much. Or, you know, that could be the scenario.
There's all these things that happen in life where we say things to ourselves that feel bad. We, we come up with worst case scenario and we convince ourselves that it's true. And then we live in this victim status and we give control over what we're attracting to somebody else. And really, if we just were able to take this situation and recognize that the issue is with us, it's not with them.
We're projecting what we believe to be the case on them. But like you said, you don't know what anyone else's intentions were. You're not them. And even if they tell you what their intentions were, it doesn't mean that they're completely truthful. You don't really know how somebody feels. So we just jumped to these conclusions and we have a tendency to go to worst case scenario all the time. You know, if someone leaves you out, you just tend to think, Oh, they didn't want me. Oh, they didn't, you know, whatever we've had sister get togethers.
How many sisters do we have
Speaker 5 (36m 34s): Four there's five of us total. There's five of us. Right?
Speaker 0 (36m 38s): I live in another state, Marcy lives in another state, but she's much closer to you guys. And there's been times that you guys have gotten together and I felt left out. So I could create these stories in my head of, Oh, they didn't want me there. But the fact of the matter is I live like nine hour drive away. And so you're always invited to have the expectation that I'm going to be invited to everything. Like, that's my issue. Like that's not normal to expect, to be invited to every little thing when I live a nine hour drive away.
Like, that's just ridiculous. But I can tell you, there's been times in my past where I have felt left out because maybe something wasn't mentioned to me or something wasn't included, it happens in group, text messages all the time. It could be a family group, text message, and somebody gets someone's wrong phone number. We had this happen over the break between Christmas and new year's when I came out, I can't remember. We were talking about where we were meeting up and I think dad sent a text and he sent it to cat instead of Tara.
Yes. Her husband, instead of the sister, he put the wrong number in. And so she felt left out because she wasn't included on the text message, even though her husband was, and it was a complete, like total mistake. It was unintentional, but these kinds of situations happen. And sometimes we just let it go and it's no big deal. And other times we like live in this idea of why wasn't I included. And they don't like me and they're trying to exclude me and they want to do things without me.
And we come up with these stories and more often than not, they're not even true. And second of all, even if they are true, how can we be sure that they're true. And then third of all, what happens when we believe that? And then fourth, who would we be without that thought everything would enter in everything.
Speaker 1 (38m 40s): Chase. It's always a better version of myself is the answer to that last question. Like who would I be without that thought a better version of myself, a happier person to
Speaker 0 (38m 50s): Absolutely happier, because you wouldn't have this story that you're living in. And just like you said, in the first scenario, you would probably be more loving because you wouldn't have this filter on how people are behaving or what they're doing or how they're communicating or whether or not they're communicating. You know, that could be the issue. Someone hasn't reached out to you in a while, someone didn't respond to your texts for three hours, what are they doing? Why are they not responding to, you know, there's just these things that happen in life.
And this is where the work comes in. And I'm not saying literally like, sit down and ask yourself these four questions. Every time you have your, like a situation occur, that would be ideal. But there are so many things that we live in as part of our identity or in relationships that we have. And just like with Dan biting his nails, there's nothing wrong with him, biting his nails. I'm the one who has issue with it.
So if I have an issue, I've got to figure out why do I have an issue with that? Why does that bother me so much? And until I figure that out and get over it, it's never going away. So let's reminds me, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (40m 8s): I read something in a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, where he said, and I'm totally paraphrasing, but he said, you would never get a dog. And then be frustrated that your dog is behaving like a doc instead of a cat. And yet we expect that of other people. We expect them to be the way we think they should be instead of just accepting them the way that they are. I thought that was so interesting.
Speaker 0 (40m 30s): It is so interesting. And at the end of the day, it is so empowering when you realize and can take ownership of the fact that it's you and your issue. And it's hard to do that because we don't want to be wrong. We don't want to be in the wrong. We want them to be wrong. We want them to have to change. We don't want to have to change. We don't want to have to work on ourselves, but nothing's going to improve until we take ownership of it. Because the only thing we have control of is ourselves. So now that we've picked this apart and we've talked through it, let's talk about how this relates to the law of attraction.
How do you think this all fits in?
Speaker 1 (41m 10s): It makes me feel better when I do it the right way.
Speaker 0 (41m 16s): I don't know if that was awkward. That was really like, don't put me on the spot. I have no idea what this has to do with a lot of jobs. No, I mean, I do. Let me clarify. We attract good things
Speaker 1 (41m 29s): In a good mental space when our vibration is high. So if I'm feeling stuck and victimized by someone else's actions, then I'm just attracting negativity. And I want to move away from that. If I want to use the law of attraction to my benefit.
Speaker 0 (41m 46s): Absolutely. I think it fits in so many ways. And I think the, the key is recognizing these thoughts that we're having. And most of them are things where we feel like we have no control. We, it is the victim status. You can feel a victim. Like I have no control. I can't lose weight. I've tried. I, I can't do anything about that. Like I have no control over that. That feels helpless. It's terrible to be in a situation where you feel helpless and you can't do anything.
But the fact of the matter is when you go through the work, you recognize that the, you are the only person that can do anything. So if you really are a victim and you can't do anything about it, what you can do is you can change how you feel about it. You can change your thoughts about it. So let's say that that's 100% true that you can't lose weight. Okay. Well, what if, what can you do about that? You can change how you feel about it. You can own who you are. You can love yourself in the size you're in.
I mean, that's generally not going to be where you, you go with the work, but if somehow you ended up in this place where you really are a victim and there's nothing you can do. You can at least still change your thoughts. You can at least change your attitude. You can at least decide how you're going to let that affect you. But more often than not, you're going to realize that the issue is not with the other person. The issue is not with the situation. The issue is with yourself and now you can start picking apart. Well, why do I have an issue with that?
What do I need to look at? What do I need to change? And it's finding the ability to do the work on yourself and move to a better place. Because once you do the work on that situation, I promise you it's going to play into other areas. Once I get over Dan biting his nails, I'll be able to get over other people doing other things like that. And it won't just be in relation to that one thing, because I'll recognize, Oh, that's that piece of me that tries to control everything or that's that piece of me, the things, everything has to be my way or the way I think it should be.
Once I resolve that, I've resolved that in a number of situations, not just the nail biting. So I think this is a really helpful tool. It's not my system. I take zero credit for it. It is completely Byron Katie's content. And I'm not trying to steal it from her, but I think it's so powerful that I wanted to share it with our listeners because it has been life-changing for me. She has several books. I recommend that you check them out, but that brings us to our action item. And our action item for the listeners is to write down these four questions, keep them handy so that when you have of these stressful thoughts, you can use the work.
So the questions once again, I'll repeat them one last time is number one. Is that true? Number two. Can you be absolutely sure. That's true. Number three. How do you react? Or what happens when you believe that thought number four, who would you be without that thought? And then once you've answered all of those, then you turn that thought around you come up with the exact opposite thought and think that, and that then gives you the foundation for the work that you need to do on yourself to fix things.
Okay? So that's the action item. Write down the four questions, keep it handy, put it in your phone. If you want, put it in a little note in your purse or your wallet, right at somewhere where it's useful. Hopefully our listeners liked this topic. I think if you use it, it will be powerful, but atria, we now need to announce our winner for a bracelet.
Speaker 2 (45m 46s): Yay. This is my favorite part of every being. This is your favorite. Sometimes
Speaker 0 (45m 55s): Do some work on that, figure out why that bothers me.
Speaker 2 (46m 1s): I'm just teasing. So ask yourself, is it true? Is it true that this is really my favorite part? I could not be sure.
Speaker 0 (46m 12s): All right. So our winner is Jane DOE. What that means is this is a person who did not put their name and put Jane DOE instead. So Jane DOE left us a review on pod chaser and Jane DOE wrote us a really beautiful review. And for whatever reason, Jane DOE, I assume it's a sheet, but I could be wrong. Jane DOE didn't want us to know who she was. So Jane DOE I hope that you will reach out to us, send us an email@helloatattractitwithease.com.
Tell us your address. And if you want us to address it to Jane DOE, we will tell us your word for the year and your address. And we'll send you your theme bracelet. So Adrian, why don't you tell our listeners what I'm talking about day
Speaker 1 (47m 1s): This year, we will draw one name from those people who have submitted reviews of the podcast. And the lucky winner will receive a custom theme bracelet, a custom bracelet with their theme word of the year.
Speaker 0 (47m 13s): Yes. And if you don't know what any of that means, go back and listen to episode one, where we talk about selecting a theme for the year, and you can go to our website, attract it with ease.com. We have photos of some of the bracelets that have already been won from some of our listeners
Speaker 1 (47m 30s): That have left reviews. But we do want to hear from you. So reach out to us, ask us your questions, tell us how things are going. Yeah. Reach out to us. We appreciate you listening. And it's been fun being here. Adrian, do you have anything you want to add today? No, this is great. I'm excited. I'm excited to use this philosophy in some areas of my life. Well, I hope you do write it down, put it in your wallet. I will do it. I'll probably be texting you and saying, help me figure out the exact opposite of this statement.
What's the turnaround because I really don't want to own this. Alright, fair enough. And listeners, you can do the same reach out and ask us. We're happy to help you. It was fun. I look forward to chatting with you next week. Thank you, Andrea. Have a good night. Have a great night. Bye. Bye 